on becoming

You know how when you blow up a balloon, then let the air out, then blow it up again, and let the air out again, and do this over again, the deflated balloon starts to look misshapen and saggy?  I used to hate that, as a kid. I'd wish that things could always just go back to the way they were at first. And, in the case of post-pregnancy abs, I still have that wish. But, in regards to the soul, I am so grateful for the stretching and the bulges, for they indicate increased capacity.

When Annie was a month old and the last of my in-house help was leaving me to do this new life of 5 kids on my own, I sat on my bed and wept.  There was no way I could do it.  I couldn't even think about all five of my babies at once, let alone care for them all.  I felt completely in over my head (and, the postpartum hormones weren't doing me any favors).  Luckily, I stumbled upon an essay online written by another mother of five whose words buoyed me up; her words promised me that I would grow into this new normal. I clung to that hope, that somehow, I would grow.

This weekend, I called a sitter for Annie (her first who isn't a grandma), and took the four other kids to the Elementary School family dance.  I knew it wouldn't be a happy place for the babe, so it was a relief to just have the four.  JUST four!  I couldn't believe my own thoughts as we walked in, and I felt light, as if this was going to be EASY because I had so few children in tow.  Ha!  Without even realizing it, my capacity had stretched.  My balloon grew!  As lumpy and misshapen as it surely is, it has stretched and made more space. 

I hope I haven't maxed out.  I'm still not capable of staying on top of the laundry or floors, or getting much more than the bare essentials done each day. The pile of books to read and sewing projects to finish and organizing tasks to tackle just keeps getting higher and higher. But, on most days, everyone gets fed and hugged; everyone is made to work and also played with. I am hopeful that as time goes on I will stretch a little further, do a little better, become more.

Today these words by Elder J. Christopher Lansing in the January Ensign ring true to my heart: "What we get during our life is inconsequential, but what we become in life makes all the difference."

As the ever insightful C.S. Lewis has said, "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

With the Master as the carpenter, maybe, just maybe, a palace I will be...

 

grace

"Davis, why are you dragging the rug upstairs?"
"I need it to make my guy."
"You can't take the rug upstairs, sweetie. Put it back in the kitchen."
"Oh, man!"

This conversation happened this afternoon and I didn't really think much of it. Unfortunately, many conversations I have with my bitty boo are like this: vague, nonsensical (it seems), and dismissed. He is hard to understand. Even though I can decipher so many more words now than I could a year ago, it is still often hard to catch exactly what he means, his intent, his heart.

In so many ways, my boy is so very capable. He is sometimes frustratingly independent... helping himself to whatever he wants in the kitchen; finding the hidden remote and turning on a show; trying to clean up messes on his own (and making a bigger one in the process). But, when it comes to words, it is often a guessing game for me.

I know there is so much going on in that head of his. Every day he surprises me with something he says, revealing something he knows that I didn't know he knew, but that he is very much old enough to know. He is nearly 5, but I often forget what my other kids did at that age. It is easy to treat him like someone much younger.

Tonight, when I walked into his room to help with the bedtime routine, I saw his "guy. He really was working on something.  It is hard to tell in the picture below, but he had taken the bathroom towels and stuffed them in the shirt and pants. He had tucked the pants bottoms into his shoes and borrowed Daddy's gloves from the garage for hands. I'm not sure what plan he had for the kitchen rug when I intervened, but my boy had, in fact, been making a 'guy' and I had dismissed it as something I wasn't understanding. Again.

I'm kind of a slow learner. I have been taught this lesson with Davis before: to listen and pay attention and not dismiss his words as something unintelligible. I'm sure my boy gets frustrated with a mom who can't seem to understand what is going on in his active, intelligent mind.

I'm just as sure that my Father in Heaven gets frustrated with me, too, as He attempts to teach me the same lessons, over and over again; the lessons of patience, love, charity, humility. I have been given experiences that should have (and did, for a time, usually) produced these things in me, and yet, often I fail to remember those lessons, those virtues. I am too quick to anger, too unkind, too selfish. But, just like my sweet boy seems to always give me another day, another chance, to figure it out, my Father keeps sending me chances to finally learn these lessons of life.

And, that is grace.

Me and My Double Life

This morning, after scriptures, Kate turned to me and said, "It would be so weird to be like you and have two lives." Hmmm...did she think I was secretly a spy?  She continued, "Because, you know, you and dad lived in the olden times, when there wasn't anything and then you had to get used to now days where we have iPads and stuff."

Yeah...that is one way to make your mother feel old.


In other news: I am a lousy blogger as of late, but am loving the world of 'micro blogging' that is Instagram. If you want, you can catch me, and lots of baby pics, there. @adrimurdock

Annie

'officially' announcing baby...

Baby

My new little one.

Isn't she amazing?

Dads

This Father's Day video had me in tears.  I'm so grateful to the wonderful men and fathers who have influenced  my life for good.  And, I'm especially grateful for my own amazing dad and my super partner in parenthood for the sacrifices they make in the name of fatherhood.

mercy

I haven't felt like writing lately.  I've been busy, yes.  I've been tired. But, mostly I've been uninspired.  Which is primarily because I haven't been looking for inspiration.  I have found that whenever I look, I almost always find something that uplifts, enlightens and inspires me.  When I'm too busy doing whatever needs to be done, I miss all those little moments.  It is easy to do, and a careless habit I fall into much too quickly.  But, over the last couple days I've been praying to be more aware of the goodness in my life. And, just like that, the tender mercies abound.

This morning, like most week-day mornings, was a rush. We have to leave the house by 8:05 am at the latest in order to have enough time to drive Davis to preschool (through two major, long-stoplight intersections) by 8:15am and still make it back to the elementary school (back through the long lights) by the 8:35am bell.  At 8:04am Kate and Davis were still not dressed.  (Neither was Lea, but she can ride in her pjs and no one minds).  We finally pulled out of the driveway at 8:14am and I was in a foul mood.  I hate rushing (yet spend the bulk of my life doing it). I was annoyed at children who dawdle.

Usually I have a book on CD in the car so the kids can spend the 30 minutes listening to a fun story.  But, I didn't have one today, so we popped in Primary songs.  Despite my love of the sweet, simple messages in this music, my heart was still barred behind the walls of my bad mood.  We made it to preschool at 8:24 am. I dashed Davis through the rain and dumped him off in his room (probably a little too quickly).  I jumped back in the car and started to zip out of the parking lot. Rushing.

Then, the song "A Child's Prayer" came on the player.  The three kids in the back started singing, and when it came to the third verse, they split, Kate singing one part and Dallin singing another in perfect, child-like harmony.  The Spirit flooded the car, and my heart, and even my foul mood couldn't keep the tenderness away.  By some kind of miracle, both lights at the long-light intersections were green.  We drove from preschool to elementary school in a record 5 minutes, and the kids bounded out of the car with at least 30 seconds to spare before the bell.  Mercy.

Goodness abounds.  And, sometimes the Lord is willing to answer my prayers to see it, despite my hard heart, bad mood and unwilling soul.